|
God tells Allah: "Let's Just Settle This in the Steel Cage!"
In an unprecedented event, for the first time in the history of mankind, God and Allah have agreed to settle their time-long differences once and for all -- in a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred, Steel Cage Match.
"Let's just do this," The Almighty said in a press conference ripe with all the media hype one would expect from an event of this magnitude. "There can be only One Supreme Being!" the Lord exclaimed, to a shower of both cheers and applause from Christians in a standing room only press conference, rivaled only by an equally deafening outpouring of boos and hisses from Muslims.
The press conference was held at the one place recognized by all religions as holy, outside the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Security was air tight, with both camps providing a phalanx of personal security the likes of which would make Sean "Puffy" Combs green with envy.
"Jehovah is about to find out why Islam is the only religion that carries a sword," Allah proclaimed. "Well it's not out of respect, that's for sure," the Muslim God stated, which prompted an angry Christian God to lunge at him across the table at the news conference. A scuffle immediately broke out with both security teams almost going to blows. The melee was finally broken up and the two were separated. Tensions were intensely high throughout the meeting.
As if the announcement wasn't literally Earth shaking enough, the only thing the two camps could manage to agree on after all night negotiations was the referee for the match -- the Prince of Darkness himself, Lucifer. In an extremely unusual statement issued from Hell, Satan stated, "I am ironically the only unbiased, unintimidated, and non-influential entity to decide the bout. I don't care which one of 'em wins - or loses!"
The date for the history-altering battle has been decided as December 26th, 2009. This date is right between two very religious holidays - December 25th (Christmas) for Christianity and December 27th (Ashura) in that year for Islam.
The location of the venue remained in dispute. While both high powers agreed that the venue should be held in a place free of any and all moral and religious influence to prevent any "home-field advantage", Las Vegas was booked solid for the whole week of the planned date.
And Vegas itself was in an uproar, with odds-makers in a mind-boggling flurry of activity, with the usual statistics and computer models rendered virtually useless in calculating who holds an advantage if any.
According to Richard B. Dressler, race and sports book manager for the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas, "There is no accurate or accepted methodology in place to determine a favorite." Many insiders were speculating it may indeed be an extremely rare 50/50 match-up. Even the coin toss at the Superbowl has slightly different than 50/50 odds, based on the weight of the coin being ever-so-slightly in favor of it landing on heads. "This may be one of the most exactly even matches in Vegas history."
Boy Scouts Headed to Iraq
The Pentagon announced this month that 600 Boy Scouts from each US state will be sent to assist in creating Democracy in Iraq.
The reason being given for this unprecedented action is the severe attrition and exhaustion of US military troops in what many are calling a quagmire.
The Army and the National Guard have both run very low on new recruits and on soldiers willing to re-enlist.
The Boy Scouts are being trained with BB guns and sling shots and with mischievous tactics like flattening the tires of the enemy's pick up trucks, tossing eggs, and putting sugar in their gas tanks.
The US military believes it can save money by sending the younger troops who are smaller and so are cheaper to outfit with smaller bullet proof vests, uniforms, and also BB guns and pocket knives are much cheaper to acquire than are M-16's and adult body armor.
Most of the boys are too young to drive gas operated vehicles and will be assigned bicycles and little red wagons which are both much less expensive to operate.
FDA Bans Placebos
The Food and Drug Administration shocked the medical community October 12th by announcing the complete banning of placebos in medical testing.
FDA Spokesman Roger Overland stated the placebos were being taken off the market because nobody at the FDA could figure out what the placebos did in the first place.
"People are being prescribed placebos at an alarming rate," Overland told a group of journalists. "But they (the placebos) don't seem to improving people's health, or doing anything at all for that matter. Until someone can show me concrete proof that the placebos are doing anything for all those people, they're going to be taken off the market."
Officials with he American Medical Association (AMA) were reprtedly all out on the golf course and could not be reached for comment.
|
|
