ASSCRAP WINS LEGAL HURDLE, PLANS TO CHARGE "EAR FEES"

Next time you hum or whistle a favorite tune, be ready to pay a licensing fee to a corporation in New York City. The Attorneys Society Seeking Contributions, Royalties, And Payoffs (ASSCRAP) has won a major victory in the Federal District Court in New York City. The court decided unanimously that persons who hum, whistle, yodel, pantomime, or otherwise "perform" copyrighted material registered with ASSCRAP must pay such fees.
Although ASSCRAP has existed for many years, they contented themselves with the payoffs received from radio stations until a couple of years ago, when Marilyn Paydevich became President.
Since that time, ASSCRAP has expanded its' tentacles into every aspect of audible sound, seeking additional revenues. In 1997, ASSCRAP won a ruling giving them the right to charge fees to businesses who have a radio turned on. They then turned their efforts to targeting individuals who whistle or hum. Next, ASSCRAP intends to seek fees from people who use ears to listen to licensed music. These devices, located on either side of most people's heads, enable the person to receive sounds, including those licensed exclusively to ASSCRAP. The organization would like to charge an annual fee to persons using these sensitive listening devices to hear music that is licensed to ASSCRAP.
Touted as an organization to help musicians and songwriters, many feel that ASSCRAP has a detrimental effect on new musicians coming up. Because club owners are required to pay fees, they are less likely to book bands. Clubs where only original music are played have sometimes claimed harassment by ASSCRAP's representatives, who either resent the fact that they can't collect from them, or do not believe that they are not using licensed material. Business owners have reported "coercive" tactics and "nasty letters". The money (after "expenses") is doled out to successful songwriters and producers based on a complicated formula that many feel is unfair and ludicrous.
Allegations that the organization has ties with organized crime were denied by corporate spokesman Freddie "Little Vito" Galvediccio, of the Bronx, New York, who told Nightmoves, "Whaddya ya takin bout, there ain no f**kin mafia. It's jus a buncha guys playin cards, see? Don make me come talk to you guys in person, cause I might not be nice, capiche?"
NightMoves interviewed a former employee of ASSCRAP, who told us that when Paydevich became ASSCRAP's top executive in 1997, things suddenly changed. Paydevich, who served formerly in the East German Secret Police (STASI), introduced a whole new style of management. The employee. Who spoke only on condition of anonymity, is Jack T. Cranmore, of Texas City, formerly of New York. Cranmore quit after he was asked to take legal action against a 6 year old girl caught singing "Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone", while her family pet was missing in late 1997. Cranmore claims he was later subjected to harassing gunfire and forced to eat bagels.
The new ruling says that ASSCRAP can use tiny microphones to catch persons humming or singing licensed material, then collect fees. Failure to pay such fees will carry a penalty not to exceed 50 years in the penitentiary. Vigorous enforcement is expected.