HOW TO GET HAMMERED AND HAVE
A LARGE TIME

Drinks are to the drinker what cats are to the caterer. You can buy them, which requires money. Or you may get other people to buy them for you, in which case you will be expected to perform bizarre sex acts afterwards. Some obtain alcohol by simply stealing other peoples drinks; getting drinks on someone else's tab; running up a tab and not paying until the Mafia is notified; or appropriating abandoned drinks.
If you're going to get drunk, you'll need a "segregated shriver". This is the person who is least drunk. Learn this mantra: "I can't jive, am too junk" and you will avoid this hated assignment. Beware of bartenders, who will not serve you if you appear to be intoxicated. It is against the law. Momentarily sober up when ordering, and speak clearly. You won't get served if you ask her to "fish me a nutty shrink". Music sounds "gooder" when you're drunk. If it's a band, they will respect your taste in music if you yell "play some Skinnard" repeatedly. Here's a fun game to play: Remove one item of clothing after each drink, and encourage others to do so. By the time you are drunk, you will be almost naked, which increases your chances.
Since you are drunk and almost undressed, you might want to get laid. Do not attempt to get laid by a police officer when you have been drinking, unless you are into the whole handcuffs thing. Married people always make the mistake of taking off their wedding rings. That is plain stupid. Everybody wants to hook up with married people. Women know that drunk men are the best lovers, so they are pretty easy to get once you have a buzz. Have you noticed that when you're intoxicated, you tend to be witty, intelligent, and a great dancer? The most effective seduction technique for men is to keep giving her booze until she conks out. For women it is the exact opposite. Either way, when two really drunk people have sex, it is always good. Of course, when nine drunk people have sex, it is incredible.
One of your objectives is to stay out of the back seat of any police cars. If you are driving, and a cop pulls in behind you, demonstrate that you are in complete control of the vehicle by swerving left and right a few times. Prove that your brakes are in good shape by accelerating and then suddenly stopping. It is a known fact that the faster you drive, the sooner you will get there, thus reducing your exposure time. If stopped, tell the officer you're personal friends with Gator, and he better back off. Try complimenting him, but in an indirect way, like "your wife sure does have big boobs". If you have open alcohol in the vehicle, hide it somehow. I usually conceal beer by pouring it into my bong. You can hide whiskey bottles underneath your pistol. If you are walking, and stopped for suspicion of public intoxication, you can easily prove you are sober by leaving the vicinity rapidly on foot. If all else fails, offer them $5 to "forget the whole thing".
Okay, assuming you got drunk, laid, and survived the trip home, your next consideration is the Morning After. Hangovers are caused by drinking too slowly. A slow drinker kills brain cells slowly, and in their death-throes, they trigger throbbing headaches. Fast drinkers snuff these cells quickly, saving all this pain. If you are a slow drinker, at the end of the night, do about 3 or 4 shots quickly to mercifully euthanize these dying brain cells, and you'll often wake up with no painful memories of what happened afterwards. If you do get up with a hangover, you need to kill these brain cells off immediately with some more of the "dog that bit you".