JURY AWARDS $500 BILLION TO NONSMOKER

A jury has awarded an Anahuac woman $500 Billion in compensatory and punitive damages from 5 US Tobacco Companies as a result of 3rd-hand smoke. Cybil Carrie Omen, 35, of Anahuac, claimed she suffered as a result of her husbands co-workers smoking. The smell of tobacco on his clothes slowly drove her mad, causing her to consume large amounts of high-fat foods, become obese, and ultimately take up skydiving. She was subsequently injured when a plane she was aboard was unable to get off the runway and crashed, killing the pilot and dislocating Omens' toe. As a result of this injury, her car was repossessed, which led to her arrest on jaywalking charges. Her husband left her and is now a member of a traveling carnival. After he left, she slowly regained her sanity and is now a rodeo clown. Spokesmen for the tobacco companies say they will appeal the verdict.