TURDS MAY CAUSE STINK

An Afghan native living in Seabrook is pissed off that his ethnic group is being ignored in the proposed future government of Afghanistan. According to college student Salami On Rie, the Turds, a small, dark-skinned minority, are being ignored. Originating in the north, the Turds floated down the river after being flushed out of Constipatopol. They are originally Kurds from northern Turkey. Turds settled in the Anus Valley in the late 1940's, although Turds are found in every area of the country in small concentrations. The leader of the Turds is Dudu Dipahr, the hereditary monarch of the white porcelain throne, located in the Turdish capitol of Baath-Roon. An elderly warlord, Dudu is also the spiritual leader of the Turdish religion, a peaceful Islamic sect whose followers hope to fertilize the world with their ideas. During the recent war, Turds attacked the Taliban using Russian-made Sepik tanks.

Salami On Rie, 23, is visiting the United States where he hopes to study microbiology and cropdusting. He said that many Turds believe Dudu should play a part in any future Afghan government, but that Turds have always been discriminated against. Under the Taliban, torture was common. In Khaat, a city in the east, such oppression was widespread. Khaat Turds were placed in boxes filled with absorbent substances, and then buried there. After suffocating, they were scooped out and thrown into trash bins. In an interview, Salami On Rie says that if the Turds demands are not met, they are expected to create quite a stink.