RICH GUY WINS YACHT RACE

Some rich guy came in first in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Lakewood Yacht Club, a big, fancy yacht place with "a whole lot of really expensive-looking boats and shit," sources reported.
"There were a whole bunch of boats out there on the water, with all these rich guys running around on them, moving ropes from here to there and switching sails around to go faster, I guess," said 61-year-old Seabrook dockworker Bill Dugan, who witnessed the rich guy's stunning victory from more than 3 miles away while hosing bird shit off a pier. "I couldn't see what was going on too well, on account of they were way the hell out there on the water, but it looked like that one with the blue sails was hauling ass. I heard he was the one that won."
Dugan was then yelled at to quit talking and get his ass back to work.
The victory marks the approximately 87,000th consecutive yacht race to be won by a rich guy since competitive yachting began a hell of a long time ago, sources estimated.
"It is with great [something] that I hereby present this noble [something] to a great competitor, gentleman and sailor, Mr. [something]," valet-parking attendant Larry Wynorski heard some yacht-club president or someone say during the gala awards dinner that followed the prestigious event, overhearing snatches of the speech from his spot in the parking lot.
The yacht race--which, according to these two guys Stan and John in charge of lugging cables, is one of the biggest deals of the year for the club--attracts "shitloads" of participant.
Other low-income laborers agreed. "You bet it was a big-time fucking race," said marina worker Sam Tosch, who, along with his brother-in-law Bud, has a little boat he sometimes takes out fishing. "Believe me, these dudes, they take their boating real serious. I remember this one time, I was scraping barnacles off this one rich guy's hull, and he starts screaming at me, 'Be careful, you idiot! Don't you know that boat cost more than you'll earn in your whole life?' So, you can see how important it all is."
According to witnesses who observed him walking down a pier on his way to the awards banquet, the rich guy who won was "snappy-looking," wearing a fancy sailor's cap. They also noted that the man was tall and well-tanned, and had a beautiful lady on his arm.
In recognition of his victory, the rich guy received what sources described as "a big, fancy metal cup," which he held aloft while a bunch of other rich guys clapped and cheered. In addition to the big cup, the rich guy also apparently received, like, a ton of money, making him even richer.

The victorious rich guy joins a long list of rich guys who have won sporting events this year. Among the other sports in which rich guys have excelled are "boat-rowing," "that crazy-looking horse/hockey thing," and "this one other golfy sport where you take this weird wooden hammer and, like, have to hit these striped balls through little metal things that are stuck in the grass."