Paybacks Are Hell
illicit acts of vengeance and retribution

Mayor Bill King of Kemah last month received a pornographic note with a flower delivery from his "mistress". His parents received a letter from him disclosing that he was having an affair with the woman who sent the flowers. King never sent the letter, and the sender of the flowers is also unknown. King has been the victim of dirty tricks.  Mayor King  has recently been involved in a feud with John Scott, the president of the local water district (WCID-12).  Mayor King believes that all people who pay taxes to the district ought to be represented on the elected board. Scott sees it differently. Last year Scott asked Governor Perry to provide troops to protect him from King. King laughed and suggested Scott consult a shrink. This simmering feud has  turned ugly, manifesting itself in lawsuits, allegations of misconduct, and more recently, the dirty tricks played on King.
When a feud gets to this level, the first thing to know is, it's usually illegal to take things into your own hands.  In old-school Texas, we'd just give 'em an ass whuppin. Our forefathers "hung 'em high" or "shot 'em to doll rags". This type of behavior is no longer socially acceptable, even among the most rustic of Texans. We now go to court instead. That's why we have so many lawyers here.
The evil deeds described below are for educational purposes only. We advise you to never ever try any of them on anyone. Even if some of them are not illegal, there is a such thing as bad karma - and you don't want it.
But if you were the kind of evil, conniving bastard that would pull some really dirty tricks, these are some of the things you might be expected to do to the object of your disaffection:

Sugar Near The Gas Tank: This is one of the few revenge tactics that are mostly legal. The worst possible scenario would be a littering charge. You merely place a nearly empty bag of sugar on the ground next to the victim's gas tank. Sprinkle some on the ground. When they see the sugar, they will automatically assume that someone has put sugar in their gas tank. They won't start the car - instead they'll pay to have it towed and the gas tank removed and drained. This will cost them about $300 or more.
Gross Tippage: The cure for lousy service? Nah. Just a little payback when the service absolutely sucks. Take a dollar bill, fold it in half, and print on it "I've come into some money!". Then squirt some mayo inside the folded part. When they see what the note says, and the mayo oozes out all over them, they'll probably scream bloody murder - so be sure to make a fast getaway.
Heavy Tipper: Use nail glue or crazy glue to glue your tip to the table. They'll be scratching away with a butterknife for hours. If you're really steamed, glue the dishes down too.
You Rang? hang a large jingleball way up under their car with a bread tie. When they drive, it will ring. When they stop to see what the fuck that noise is, it will stop. They'll probably take it to the dealership, and end up buying a new engine or tranny.
Wake Up Call: This one gets two people at once. Use a cassette to record and play the following message to your victim (be sure to disguise voice and use a pay phone or *67): "Hello, this is your 3 am wake up call. Thank you for using our premium wakeup call service. Wake up service will be charged to your telephone bill at $2.99 per call. Your expiration date will be October 30th, 2004. Wake up time is currently set for 3 am. To change times or billing methods, please call customer service any time before 3:00 am. The customer service number is: (insert victim #2's number here).
*Note: If you don't have a 2nd victim, say "1-800-913-844glog. They will then dial all ten possible variations of "glog". Also, this one works just fine with an answering machine.

Coupons: If your intended target is a business, you can cause them a lot of irritation by making up coupons with their business name and logo. Anyone with a computer and an inkjet can make these. Distribute them in laundrymats, beauty salons, & convenience stores. This requires a little bit of finesse. Don't necessarily make a coupon up for anything they actually sell, or you'll probably be helping them out. For example, "present this coupon and get any steak dinner for 99 cents" would be great for a vegan restaurant. Or advertise something illegal, like "drink free and bet on live sports". You could also print complimentary tickets to the rodeo or concerts, courtesy of victim. When they can't get into the event, who do you think they'll be pissed at?
My Card, sir: Print up business cards with the victim's name and home telephone number. The cards could have the logo of the American Nazi Party; the Gay Islamic Jihad; or NAMBLA.
Carry a few with you at all times, and post them on cork boards, pass them out at events, or leave little stacks of them lying around.
Dead Man Walking: Call the local mortuary and report the victim dead. Make arrangements for them to come by, back the hearse in, and pick up the corpse. Set a time when your victim is home.
Mail Hell: Look in the phone book or online for someone with the same first and last name as the victim, and file a "change of address" with the Post Office to that person's address. Their mail will be delivered to the other person. When the Post Office finally "fixes it" (reverses the change of address), the other person's mail will then start coming to the victim! It's a guaranteed clusterfuck.
Subscribe: Subscribe your victim to magazines like "Bondage Monthly" and "Shemales In Heat". Change the address by one digit so they are delivered to the victim's neighbors - who will be pissed off, degraded, and disgusted all at the same time.
Throw A Party: Throw a party at the victims house without their prior knowledge. Distribute flyers at biker bars and beer joints with the victim's address and directions. Call it a free-for-all bash. Make sure it promises plenty of free beer and naked biker chicks. When people start showing up, the victim is going to have "some 'splainin' to do, Lucy".
The Grass Is Greener: Use Miracle-Gro powder to write "Fu©k You" on the victim's lawn. The powder will be clearly readable, so naturally, they will wash it off with the hose. That's what makes the stuff work - water. Results will appear within a few days, and last for years. In bright green letters. In fact, even if they put sod over it, it will come back as the roots of the new grass are enriched. A Seabrook businessman had this happen to him in 1997, and dealt with 8 foot letters that clearly said "ASSHOL" (the "E" was paved over) until last year. He finally resorted to a gravel and cactus motif.
This one is a drag: Take a nice nylon leash and collar and hold onto it until you see a small roadkill dog/cat. Attach to victim's bumper where he will drive off without noticing. Someone will see this and instantly call 911 on their cell phone. No way the cops are letting him get away with this. He's going to jail automatically, maybe even prison.
Or if you're in a hurry, take a rope and tie the victim's tailpipe to their trash can. When they drive off, they will either pull the trash, or rip loose their exhaust system.
Full Cavity Search: Take aluminum foil, and cut a silhouette of a pistol. Plant it in the victim's attaché case, coat pocket, or luggage before they are going to the airport. They will be hustled off into a room somewhere and scrutinized by the airport Nazis for hours. Or make an official-looking phony summons to post on their door requesting them to appear for questioning at the IRS, CIA, DEA, or SPCA.
Eviction Strategy: It is illegal to trash a rental, and arrests are often made for intentional vandalism. Some of the methods people have used include: pouring quickset concrete into toilets and drains (if it gets into the foundation, the slab has to be torn up); hiding "bait" and other smelly substances; and crazy-gluing things like light switches, doors, appliances, and faucets. Auto wax is clear, but it makes walls damn near impossible to paint. Loosening up (but not removing) certain screws, knobs, pipes, fixtures and hinges creates a panorama of pandemonium with future maintenance problems and hazards.
Fired & Disgruntled: Many people who are unfairly treated by an employer make complaints to the labor board, better business bureau, and other circle-jerks. Others take things into their own hands.
Pet stores sell rodents as pet food for people who own reptiles. Some people have been known to buy a few of these creatures and set them free. Calling vendors and canceling deliveries can wreak havoc. $5 worth of 3/4 inch roofing tacks can make a parking lot into a minefield. Especially the spot where the main asshole parks.
Dotcom: Speaking of the main asshole, you could go online and get the person's name as a dotcom. Let's say his name is Larry Claypool. You can register larryclaypool.com for about $10. There are even some businesses who have not dot-commed their name, so you may get lucky and get their business name. You can then set up a payback page implying whatever you want about them. People who search for them on the web will find you instead. Unless they register the name as a US Trademark, they can't do jack shit. Even then, they have to pay you big money for the right to use their own name online. That is precisely how we obtained "PasadenaObserver.com", "HoustonMusicNews.com" and "EaglePointPress.com". All of these sites take you to our site!
Gotcha: Maybe you don't want to really hurt someone? Just want to scare the shit out of them? Tear up an old foam cushion into rock-sized pieces, and spray paint them gray. They will look like chunks of concrete. Throw them at your victim, or drop them on him from above. Yell "look out!" or "hey, dickhead!" at the last second. I carry a pocketful around with me just to freak people out.
Popcorn Machine: Take some uncooked popcorn and put it into their tailpipe, using a funnel and a few feet of garden hose. Use a whole bag. Within a few minutes after starting, the corn will start popping, causing the car to sound like it's backfiring, and shooting popcorn out the back. Use the buttery kind and it makes a groovy drive-in theater type smell.
Kid Revenge: Sometimes, unfortunately, the victim is a young person. You can take Oreo cookies, gently "shave" the filling out, and replace it with toothpaste or Elmer's Glue. It won't hurt 'em. They'll even ask for more. When a kid pisses me off, I buy him a pernicious candy called Atomic Fireballs, which are made of sugar and hot stuff. The kid keeps eating for the sugar, while his whole mouth catches fire.
If a relative with children has you pissed off, buy his kid a drum set, a bugle, a chemistry set, some Rap CDs, or a big hunting knife. There are any number of things his kids want, that he doesn't want them to have.
Final Revenge: Name the victim in your will, and leave them $1. When you finally die, they will have to get dressed up and attend the reading, knowing only that they have been named as a beneficiary. When they find out they get one lousy friggin dollar, they will realize that you have had the final laugh at their expense.
There are many more. Some are obvious (like egging); some are silly (teepee the house/car/trailer/dog); and some are purely evil and illegal (bomb threats, loosening the lug nuts, planting drugs).
I don't recommend anyone doing any of these things. That would be wrong. But they are funny and scary to think and/or fantasize about, and that's why they are here. My personal feeling is that "living well is the best revenge". Nothing is sweeter than holding your head up and knowing that you could have been a real bastard, but you've chosen to take the high road instead!   GATOR